I Wanna SEE Skinny

November 17th 2011

I’m so sorry for the lack of update, not that anyone’s listening anyway.

Between issues with work, fighting with my boyfriend, and worrying about my family and future, and then throwing in the fact that i’ve been off my antidepressants for about two weeks now, i’ve just been a fucking mess.

I took myself off of hcg temporarily due to it causing some of my medical issues to affect my work, at least until i’m not under a microscope anymore, but that’s a story for another day.

I’m still working on it, i’m down to 175 but I feel so grody and lame right now regardless.

The event that pulled me back into the tough reality that i’m a fat piece of shit pretty much went like this:

So there was this guy at work today playing with the iphone 4 demo and taking pictures, I later found out that he took a picture of me.

It was hideous, double chin and everything. 

I deleted it right away, but I can’t seem to erase the horrendous sight from my mind. 

I’ve been feeling like a chubby sack of shit ever since. 

I try to tell myself that I’m doing so well, force myself to see the change everyone else insists is there, but then I see unflattering pictures like that and it’s back to square one…

No matter what I do, I can’t look in the mirror and see anything other than that 210lb fat bitch I was a year ago. 

I’m not seeking attention, just being real right now.

There would be no point anyway, people tell me i’m beautiful the way I am and I look great etc, etc, every fucking day.

It doesn’t change anything or even help a little.

I’ve forced myself to become well aware of the fact that i am a gorgeous girl, but gorgeous isn’t skinny and a pretty face can only compensate for so much.

At least that’s how I see it anyway. I’m the only person who can change that, but I’m just not strong enough.

Sorry for rambling, again, it’s been awhile and today really hurt.

I’ll update tomorrow if I have time.

Day 2 Part 1 - The Fuck??

So basically I adore HCG right now.

I woke up all kinds of upset because I got a severe case of the munchies last night and grubbed hard on ham and cheese rolls, so needless to say I was expecting my weigh in to make me wanna cry.

BUUUUUUT

I still lost a pound regardless. 

As of this morning i’m 179 and I couldn’t be more stoked :D

I’m considering blonde.

sounds weird, i know. 

my mom has even told me i can’t do it without looking like a tranny because i’m black, but i used taaz.com to test it and i think it would look good. idk.

Day 1 - Much better than I expected.

so I started the HCG diet last night.

I found the drops at walmart after researching it for over a year and figured why the hell not?

To be honest, I was trippin about it a little, especially since when I bought the shit there was a lady behind me begging me not to because of the “side effects”.

Luckily, i’m the kind of person that prefers to make her own mistakes, because aside from tingly legs, I didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary.

Then again, I do take like eight million pills a day so there’s nothing the drops can do that doesn’t already happen.

Also, I set up a diet plan using what I weighed on halloween, but apparently I’ve lost 5lbs since monday, and that’s before the HCG even came into the picture, it feels pretty freaking good, i won’t lie. 

Sorry that this was a little lame, but seeing as how I’ve been using it for less than 24 hours, I don’t have anything cool to say about it really, aside from the fact that it’s nowhere near as hellacious as people make it out to be. If it’s something you can live with, it’s probably worth a try.

TTYT <3

-Erra

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